Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Wednesday, Dec. 01, 2004 - 5:49 a.m.

It's four in the morning, and I'm watching The Last Samurai. Taking that three hour nap earlier was a huge mistake. All it seems to have done is multiply my insomnia.
I feel like two times the loser now, both because I feel lost in my life at the moment, and because I lost the second chance I probably did not deserve in the first place. This college idea is killing me. It just isn't my field, not my place. I don't belong here. Of all the minor skills I posess, this one doesn't appear to have the potential to develop into anything worth persuing.
More than anything in this life I want time, and freedom. I hate feeling like I'm trapped, I'm bound to something. I could be so happy right now, sitting on hilltop somewhere, just thinking. I could think and write and play music for the rest of my life and be so happy. I'm no longer lonely, even though I am alone. I am not unloved, nor do I feel it. My concern now is only to preserve the interests of those who love me. My emotions flow into everything I do; I pick up my guitar and suddenly an interpretive dance of the fingers is all I produce. I love it.
I'm tired of being concerned for the future. "Life in every breath" I believe the quote was in this film. Is this way of life outdated, useless? Are the times changing too quickly? Or are we simply unable to adapt? Are we adapting too quickly to comforts we create in order to slow our overall progress as human beings? Is life easier now, or is it just simplified? Imagine all that we have sacrificed...weigh it against all we've gained. Don't think about convenience, or simplicity, or how easy it is to gather information. Think about yourself, as an individual. Karmically, psychologically, emotionally...what have you lost and gained?
I want to see Jeannie again. There's something so wonderfully different about her that keeps her constantly on my mind. I feel that to an extent I know her, but also there's this layer of mystery about her that I just can't dig through. Beh, too much. Time to relax for a while, my brain's in overdrive.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future