Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004 - 1:02 a.m.

My creed hasn't changed, my opinions are still all the same. Hence why I haven't updated in a long time.

three thousand dollars in 48 hours

the temporary problems will be solved

The long term goals will remain out of reach

Many things concern me right now. I'm going to finish this cigarette, and go into greater detail.

I live day to day, I work and I eat, I sleep and I play. Is this a problem? Is it a solution to problems I have been facing for so long?

I saw Jeannie earlier this evening, and though I was near her for quite some time, I never got to tell her how happy I was that she was a part of my life...how much I love her. I hope she can feel that in me. We half-heartedly made plans for tomorrow, I sincerely hope they fall into place, because I need her...I need to be with the people I love most more than ever right now. I clothed myself in my love for others, now as the cold, wintry nights shake me I find myself naked.

Doubt is ever-present in my mind. However, the show must go on. I doubt my college decisions, I doubt my talents in the field, I doubt the stability of my life, I doubt I can learn from the mistakes I'm about to make.

It's amazing how little I feel while important events take place, and how deeply passionate I am in retrospect. I watch with cold eyes as the most amazing new girl in my life gives me her number, then my icy stare follows her to the parking lot where she meets with her boyfriend, and they embrace lovingly. The emotion gets forced down inside, only to erupt upon me as I lay alone on my tiny bed. So many thoughts flood me; "be thankful for friendship", "you're not good enough", "you will never be that lucky", "don't think about it, keep on going."

It's time I speak what's on my mind to my friends. What's REALLY on my mind, without watering it down or sugar-coating it. I need to find out what holds me back from this, and eliminate it.

I have an early morning ahead of me, and the 3 hours of sleep I managed last night just isn't cutting it. I'll return with more tomorrow - a promise to myself.

This cage is not what stops me from flying; only my fear of leaving the safety of my perch.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future