Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 1:33 a.m.

The air reeks, the pungent aroma of burnt popcorn and organic rot assails my nostrils. This is my Halloween night, this pathetic conclusion to all of my hopes which now lie broken and scattered across the floor like candy wrappers. Soon I'll find the time to pick up the pieces, toss them away and forget them, perhaps learning some kind of lesson about expectiations versus reality. It's a lesson I ought to have learned long ago, a truth which some are born knowing.

It's funny, because I didn't ask for much this year; time with friends, time with those I love...good times.

Denied.

I'd like to point the blame somewhere, I'd like to be able to shrug this all off as the fault of someone else's miscalculation or failure...yet I can't. I bear this burden, a duty which is not without some great discomfort.

I need to be up early tomorrow to bring Liz back to Portland before her class, and before mine. I'm looking at 7 hours of sleep from now to then, even though I know I'm going to be staring at the ceiling for a large part of that. I expect to hear great tales of adventure and wonder from my friends at college tomorrow, telling me of the great times they had over this weekend. I'll be saddened that I've none to tell, but then again I don't need to hear them to feel that way.

They say that on this eve the barrier between the realm of the living and dead is at its weakest, that spirits may cross over into our world. I wish it worked both ways, that I could cross over into the world of the dead for just one night. Maybe with that comparison I could be compelled to act upon old urges, or discouraged completely. I feel pretty fucking compelled to act right now, and I'm counting my blessings to keep my spirits up. Maybe that's what I'll be doing whilst I stare at the ceiling tonight.

I only wish I could control where my mind wanders to, wish I could stop thinking about guns, blades, and pills whenever I try to figure out exactly what I've got going for me here. I envy those who can draw confidence up from somewhere no matter how miserable they're feeling.

I've tried so hard to stay positive and strong for the last weeks, stay devoted to my development.

It's my birthday in under 2 months, and more than any present I'd like someone to give me amnesia.

Oh, Happy Halloween.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future