Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004 - 1:32 a.m.

It's late. I have class tomorrow morning, and much work to do before I can show my face in a classroom with any kind of dignity.

I've been dropping habits like crazy lately, ranging all the way from alcohol to love interests. It's funny, because these things once made me feel liberated and yet now I feel liberated without them. This is supposed to be the best time of the year, the time when just being outside ought to bring a rush of rapture overwhelming me entirely. I haven't had a chance to enjoy a day of it...and it's already about half over.

I had so many goals and personal standards built up on this month and watching them flutter to the ground like ripped sheets from a page-a-day calendar is just depressing. Sometimes I get so engrossed in the duties I'm supposed to perform that I can't even take a second to BE depressed about it. I feel like I'm being sucked away by the day-to-day routine, allowing myself to be taken by the current and never having an opportunity to pursue my real aspirations. Even my thoughts conveyed through my writing seem mechanical and forced, unnatural and robotic. This interests me, so I'll continue for the sake of posterity.

Yes, I meant what I wrote up above there, about dropping my love interests. As a matter of fact, I broke a vow to myself in the depths of one lonely night recently. I once swore I'd never give up on someone in particular. Hell, I swore it up and down to many of my close friends. Well guess what, I lied. I give up. I give up because the pursuit is impossible, the goal unreachable with my current means, the ends hardly capable of justifying anything at all. Shit, the more I see of relationships and interpersonal behavior the more distant my goal becomes. Yes, I know, I'm NOT the people I have observed. Neither is she. However, we are all human, and to love is to bring a great burden of pain onto oneself, despite whether or not your significant other wants to heal you. A relationship is like tossing yourself into an iron maiden with someone else and both of you slamming one of the doors. Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather suffer alone than suffer with anyone else.

I lit a fire in my heart for you.
Only after it died did I see how much it was burning me.

Goodbye.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future