Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Tuesday, Mar. 23, 2004 - 3:52 a.m.

History repeats itself, doesn't it?

Along that line of thought, a quote from One Hour Photo comes to mind.

"The things we fear most have already happened to us."

I have a deeply-seated fear of rejection, loss, and affection. Allow me to clarify that. I know well the burn of rejection, that's fairly self-explanatory. Loss, well, if you've been keeping up with my life at all at any point you understand that. This new one really gets me though. Affection. I love to love people. There are some people I love so deeply that it hurts. However, every time that someone reveals they have any love for me my heart dies, and my icy brain and mental processes take over entirely. Even the words "I love you" turn a part of me inside out, and kill the flame of affection in me entirely. I need to get to the root of this now before it swallows me whole, even if perhaps it has already. Time's running out for me, I need to find out how to return love, not just give it away. I've gotten myself completely accustomed to loving someone who doesn't love me back in the least, a total detriment to me in the long run. During it, it seems so comfortable and natural, almost like I'm not partially at fault. The truth is, I am totally setting myself up for disaster from the beginning.

I'm sorry if you've loved me. Chances are, I didn't love you, and don't now. I have loved once before, put my heart and soul into it, and got love back and accepted it...but one of fate's lovely little lessons was served to me in cruel ration, and it was stripped from me like so many layers of clothing. Where did I begin to fall? At what point did I suddenly stop seeing love and recognizing it not as a hostile force but as a perfect innocent gesture? Where did I go wrong?

There are three of you in my past which I know will probably never see these words now, but at least in some form I apologize, I understand now. I unknowingly was puttin others in my position. I was used to loving without love returned, thus I turned the tables on you and put you in the same situation. You gave me your heart and I did what everyone's done to me, thrown it right back in your face. I was an exact replica of the hideous beast that I had feared for so long, the same ideal that plagued me for the last 6 years. I used, abused, and shattered innocence. Perhaps all the pain I've felt in the last few years was a sort of karma trip, payback for my own crimes I didn't know I was committing.

I'm sick of sitting around waiting for history to repeat itself. It's time to learn from the past. My mind has quadrupled in its cognitive capacity since then, I've aged inside a hundred years beyond my physical carapace. Every ache and pain in my stomach, the holes riped into my soul, all lessons and scars to remind me where I went wrong, and to guide me into the future which should be so much brighter than the past.

I'm going to go to college, I'm going to leave this life behind. I'm going to break out of Don Mann. I am Indeed Don Mann, but I am not in mind and soul Don Mann any longer. I thank you all for tearing my flesh and ripping at the fabric of my sanity for so long. I've learned the most valuable lessons of my life from you, but now I must leave it all behind to brighter horizons.

Plan for the future;

Go to college and succeed.

Break away from the ties that bind me here.

Plunge headlong into the future.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future