Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2005 - 11:30 p.m.

This is just me turning the ignition.

It's been a very long time since I've written anything coherent, and I'd really like to get back into it. I could ruse for hours over the last two years worth of writing that has accumulated on this diary. It's strange, looking at this same familiar text box after two long years. It gives this strange sense of reminiscence, like seeing your old elementary school or a park you once played in as a kid.

I've been longing for that sense of reminiscence lately, wishing I could feel that way about the times I've spent with people, the incredible things we've done. I caught a stray, faint aroma from my basement the other night, I'm not even sure how (with all the work I've had done down here) but the slightest scent of an old friend's perfume lingered down upon me while I was deep in thought. It took me back to the little things that she and I did, the walk along the great stone barrier which jutted out from the shore of Old Orchard Beach. Our pact to give up smoking...and the lit cigarette in my hand reminded me that those days were gone, just like I am to her.

I wonder if anyone whose life I've walked out of ever dwells upon me, puts even a fraction of the emotion and value into those times we once shared as I do. The sad part is, if I were to ask them, they'd lie and say "of course I have" and I'd feel like a jerk for even mentioning it. Ever notice how whenever someone sees you after a long period of separation they ALWAYS say "Oh, me and so-and-so were just talking about you the other night!" and of course their friend nods like a little yes-man because it's an easy point to score. I know I'm guilty of it.

Where the fuck is my life going?

I'm not making news. I'm relaying it. Everytime I see someone, the only real conversations I have anymore always turn into what I'd done since the last time I saw them. This applies both to online and in-person conversations. What happened to "meet me here-" and then we'd just go...everyone always had a good idea of how to spend the time. Now the only time I see anything at all similar to that is when people meet, get wasted, act stupid, regret it the next day, then come right back the day after that.

I'm watching and experiencing the degringolade of our characters and personalities every day. Childhood was a high, we came down during our late teens, and now we're all trying like hell to live it all again, but it'll never be as good, or nearly as fulfilling. God knows I've tried like hell to find something to replace that carefree no-strings-attached love of life that I once felt, but it's a gargantuan task. Nothing compares to just not giving a damn about anything. All day long goals and consequences and expectations hang over my head, some nearer than others, some realistic and others downright impossible. Somebody sabotaged my life.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future