Don Mann: Focusing on my Craft

Sunday, Sept. 26, 2004 - 2:59 a.m.

If I tore the hands off of a grandfather clock
Leaving his face empty and bare
Would you still appreciate the work going on inside of him...
Or would you not even care?
~~~
And such is my work, and my writing. Without expression or outward presentation the wonder of everything dies. Perhaps such is true for social behavior as well. We've all been a victim of it before; the gears inside of us are turning overtime but our faces and outward expressions show nothing of it.
I wish I could find someone who understands me, someone who sees me as more than simply a faceless clock.
~~~
The path of everyday life is leading me to a cold and stoic fate. I came to this conclusion earlier after watching "The Girl Next Door". I don't blame the film, really, all that did was spark my imagination. Anyways, the conclusion I came to was so Oscar Wilde in cynisism it almost hurt to say, knowing deep down I believed it.
"The only way to have a secure relationship is to maintain constant indifference to your partner."
The moment infatuation sets in, the moment you start to feel the web of love sticking to you it's already too late. (edit-this is all my opinion. Looking back on it, it's a very harsh perspective.) Chances are, the person cares nothing for you. You can fucking bleed and cry and kill in her name and it won't mean a goddamn thing. Oh, you'll do it all willingly, driven like a crusader by some blind faith in something intangible and impossible. All I can say now about any of this fucking dating bullshit is that for me, I'll always have to be the instigator, I'll always have to make the first fucking move...and I'm sick of it. Rejection's a bitch, right? Everyone fears rejection in one way or another, but more than I even fear rejection now I fear my own history of rejection and stupidity. Is it really supposed to build up like this? Am I supposed to be the only one I know with the lowest fucking batting average here? This isn't helping my goddamn self-esteem. This isn't helping my antisociality, my indifference. How could I have forseen at my birth that at this age and during this time I'd feel more miserable than I ever thought I could, that my adaptability has fucking limits...?
There's been talk doing around in my little sewing circle of friends...bad gossip about good old Don here. Apparently I'm a druggie, a bad influence, and an all-around type of person who needs to be fucking avoided at all costs. Apparently I'm poisoning the little well here in my group of "friends" and in turn so much bullshit's being spread behind my back. C'mon you fucking assholes...is this what I really need right now?
It SICKENS ME TO NO FUCKING END that I actually hesitated from suicide for you fucking assholes, then after 2 weeks of seclusion and recovery I come home to hear fucking RUMORS. Oh good. You pull me out of the hole only to thrust me in deeper. Thanks everyone, like I can't see behind your innocent little eyes exactly what you fucks are thinking...no one likes a liar, except me, apparently...because I still love a bunch of people willing to give up on me. No, not giving up on me...toying with me. I'm not a goddamn actor, or puppet, or fucking entertainer.
If you have something you want to talk to me about, you'd better get off your useless ass and bring it directly to my attention...my patience is running so thin right now. (edit-fueled by hatred.)
I curse the day I was born. I intend to block all compassion...fuck being a good samaritan, fuck being a good listener, or a goddamn "sensitive" person. I'm going to do whatever I want, and I don't want to feel a single bit of guilt for it. Guilt is bullshit, it's some kind of innate control mechanism, and I'm pretty fuckin far from in control right now. I'm sick of taking control of situations. I'm sick of losing good personality traits, sick of losing the will to go on. I used to be happy, I once was content. The more people I've met and more times I've tried to do all the right things the more of myself I've lost. Fuck it all.

Delve Into The Past - Onward Into The Future